Hope

August rains are a lot like heartbreaks. You see them coming but you are never ready for them. They both make you want to hide under the sheets. The bizarre longing for something, someone is just the same. You know the fall is now inevitable and so are the dark winter days. However when it's all over, everything shines brighter and the colors emerge again. And just when you are about to give up you know it's spring again.

Full stop.

Out on the shore, feeling the moonlight drawing shadows of the night on me, romancing the summer air as it traced down my hair, is when out of the blue (must be the mid-night blues), the thought of you crossed my mind. Coming to me, you stretched your fingers out, reaching to touch me once, unravelling my strings, I let all of me come apart in your hands.
But as you walked away again, leaving me one, with the air and the moon and the water, I went back to dancing with the night to the music of the sea, with the hopes of you coming back to me and loving me like you used to. I let the sheets of waves pelt me, you watched me move in anguish while I bore the burns of knowing your touch, as you sat there smiling, letting me sing and making me wonder if I ever was anything more than, an emotional crutch, an object you could just play with as you pleased.
I wish I could put a full stop in the end but the pain persists..

 

Post Heartbreak.

I found myself thinking about him again.  What I remember most was my crying and my white-hot clarity that my heart needed protecting and I was the only one to do it. Constant bickering and fighting had left me exhausted. I still remember the spiraling fear I felt when I realized I had to leave the person I loved the most for the sake of my own sanity.

The break up has been rough in a lot of ways. I haven’t cried in days, but I wake up every day from terrible dreams, I can barely sleep peacefully. I wake up after every few hours, anxious, panting for breath. I wonder how did he not care all this while, if he claimed to be just as much in love.I think the anguish started with that thought and then overthinking overpowered rest of the train of thoughts. I knew two things: I needed help and I wasn't doing a great job at providing it myself at that very moment. I cried, and I laid on the floor, my arms scraping the rough carpet of my bedroom that I am not particularly a fan of. In those minutes that felt like an eternity, I begged to feel whole again, I pleaded for help, and I surrendered completely. The evening after I googled words like “chest pain”, “restlessness” and so on and on. I was immensely desperate for the answers. I wanted something substantial, a quick fix for the pain.

I read a lot of articles and found that the way I was feeling was normal. It might a path to depression but definitely a normal reaction. An article on the website of dailymail.co.uk was particularly informative. A Stony Brook University found that the anguish of a break up activates the same part of the brain that is stimulated during cocaine addiction. According to Colombia University psychologists, intense emotional pain activates the same networks of nerves as physical pain. So being rejected or grieving over a lost love can actually really hurt, and feel a bit like being punched.

For some weird reasons, reading all of that made me feel better. It satiated the nerd inside me and I felt like it all was just a way of my body handling the heartbreak. Never mind calling it handling would be too far fetched, I would call it reacting to the heartbreak.

Heartbreak like every other wound takes time to heal. It is astounding how this passage of time feels at once inconceivable and heartbreakingly normal. Somethings can’t be forced. The best you can do is step back and let alchemy take over. 

I was reading an article on the NASA website today where it was mentioned how stars battle each other in a gravitational tussle, which ends with system breaking apart and some stars being ejected in different directions. I guess humans are the same way. We circumnavigate each other's soul, come close, drift apart, zillions of emotions come into play and in the end we either compromise, make a peaceful metaphoric solar system or we end up being those speedy,  wayward stars lost somewhere away.

I might not know a lot of things right now, I might be lost more than ever but I know one thing for sure, my past is snarky and dark, but freeing too, and it has made me love the life all the more. When you love someone, in the moments of true despair reach out for each other, but I found myself battling this alone. However, I know I can survive this and life will be full of rainbows and unicorns again. Okay well not all that jazz, but you get the hint.

Hey there Autumn!

As Albus Calmus would say "“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.”

This is my third tryst with the American autumn but honestly it is for the first time that I am actually witnessing or rather experiencing the marvel and splendid shades of autumn in its full glory. The golden yellowish shades of autumn foliage are absolutely stunning and incomparable. The outside is drenched in the beauty of autumn. The bright shades of orange, brown and yellow are any photographer's delight. 

Fall makes me want to buy school supplies, sit outside, turn up some music and draw and write. Fall makes me want to fall in love. There is something melancholic about fall but this melancholy is soothing at the same time. The tempest inside my heart resonates with the sad mist of the autumn. It is like an old friend reassuring that it is okay to be sad and that there is a reason for tears and for smiles.

The autumn sky despite lacking the summer sheen looks brilliant. I do miss the long summer days, flooded streets and the bright sky but then the clean and crisp autumn air feels equally blissful. Let's embrace autumn till it lasts!

23 lessons learned in 23 years of living

1. Your parents have always been right (almost), especially your mom.
2. Your GPA doesn't tell how smart you are. There is a world beyond those fake numbers.
3. Life isn't fair. So suck it up. However, that doesn't mean if one door closes, another won't open. Just keep looking out for opportunities.
4. Procrastination is not cool and its the best way of self sabotage.
5. It's alright to hopelessly love someone.
6. It's alright if someone breaks your heart. It teaches you a lot about yourself. It teaches you about a million of emotions you could feel, it shows you how strong a person you are and it helps you find the real you.
7. Most of the times you're not in love, you are in love with the idea of love.
8. You can find yourself alone amongst a group of friends , but then that's okay too. That  means you need sometime for yourself.
9. It's alright to learn a lesson the harder way and It's completely fine to cry. It doesn't mean you're weak. It's a sign of strength.
10. You're strong and that's why you have survived so far.
11. People will leave you. That's how it is! Don't cry over it.
12. It's okay to be SCARED but that shouldn't stop you from trying new things.
13. Do not regret any choice you have ever made, it's something you wanted at that instant, in that moment. Learn from it , don't regret.
14. It's alright to kiss a stranger.
15. Reading and travelling are mandatory.
16. Staying in touch with high school friends won't be difficult if you really want to stay in touch.
17. Living with friends is beautiful but living alone is awesome. No pants. Hell yeah! 
18. Eat whatever you want to and as much as you want to. Let's do justice to our taste buds. Dieting is over rated. Having said that, exercising is important too or just go for a run. No one wants to die of high cholesterol at the age of 40.
19. Netflix will be there for you always.
20. You will not see your best friend everyday but you will know you can call that person at 2 a.m and cry and they will patiently listen to you the hundredth time about the guy who broke your heart, about the job you don't like or how life has been sucking blood out of you.
21. Your teenage poetry isn't gonna get you famous but keep on writing.
22. It's never too late to change your majors or interests. Be strong enough to do what you really want to do.
23. Nothing lasts forever but then Life is too short to be unhappy.