Hope

August rains are a lot like heartbreaks. You see them coming but you are never ready for them. They both make you want to hide under the sheets. The bizarre longing for something, someone is just the same. You know the fall is now inevitable and so are the dark winter days. However when it's all over, everything shines brighter and the colors emerge again. And just when you are about to give up you know it's spring again.

Full stop.

Out on the shore, feeling the moonlight drawing shadows of the night on me, romancing the summer air as it traced down my hair, is when out of the blue (must be the mid-night blues), the thought of you crossed my mind. Coming to me, you stretched your fingers out, reaching to touch me once, unravelling my strings, I let all of me come apart in your hands.
But as you walked away again, leaving me one, with the air and the moon and the water, I went back to dancing with the night to the music of the sea, with the hopes of you coming back to me and loving me like you used to. I let the sheets of waves pelt me, you watched me move in anguish while I bore the burns of knowing your touch, as you sat there smiling, letting me sing and making me wonder if I ever was anything more than, an emotional crutch, an object you could just play with as you pleased.
I wish I could put a full stop in the end but the pain persists..

 

Post Heartbreak.

I found myself thinking about him again.  What I remember most was my crying and my white-hot clarity that my heart needed protecting and I was the only one to do it. Constant bickering and fighting had left me exhausted. I still remember the spiraling fear I felt when I realized I had to leave the person I loved the most for the sake of my own sanity.

The break up has been rough in a lot of ways. I haven’t cried in days, but I wake up every day from terrible dreams, I can barely sleep peacefully. I wake up after every few hours, anxious, panting for breath. I wonder how did he not care all this while, if he claimed to be just as much in love.I think the anguish started with that thought and then overthinking overpowered rest of the train of thoughts. I knew two things: I needed help and I wasn't doing a great job at providing it myself at that very moment. I cried, and I laid on the floor, my arms scraping the rough carpet of my bedroom that I am not particularly a fan of. In those minutes that felt like an eternity, I begged to feel whole again, I pleaded for help, and I surrendered completely. The evening after I googled words like “chest pain”, “restlessness” and so on and on. I was immensely desperate for the answers. I wanted something substantial, a quick fix for the pain.

I read a lot of articles and found that the way I was feeling was normal. It might a path to depression but definitely a normal reaction. An article on the website of dailymail.co.uk was particularly informative. A Stony Brook University found that the anguish of a break up activates the same part of the brain that is stimulated during cocaine addiction. According to Colombia University psychologists, intense emotional pain activates the same networks of nerves as physical pain. So being rejected or grieving over a lost love can actually really hurt, and feel a bit like being punched.

For some weird reasons, reading all of that made me feel better. It satiated the nerd inside me and I felt like it all was just a way of my body handling the heartbreak. Never mind calling it handling would be too far fetched, I would call it reacting to the heartbreak.

Heartbreak like every other wound takes time to heal. It is astounding how this passage of time feels at once inconceivable and heartbreakingly normal. Somethings can’t be forced. The best you can do is step back and let alchemy take over. 

I was reading an article on the NASA website today where it was mentioned how stars battle each other in a gravitational tussle, which ends with system breaking apart and some stars being ejected in different directions. I guess humans are the same way. We circumnavigate each other's soul, come close, drift apart, zillions of emotions come into play and in the end we either compromise, make a peaceful metaphoric solar system or we end up being those speedy,  wayward stars lost somewhere away.

I might not know a lot of things right now, I might be lost more than ever but I know one thing for sure, my past is snarky and dark, but freeing too, and it has made me love the life all the more. When you love someone, in the moments of true despair reach out for each other, but I found myself battling this alone. However, I know I can survive this and life will be full of rainbows and unicorns again. Okay well not all that jazz, but you get the hint.